اول مره

اول مره يدلعنى بأسمى
حسيت انى صغيره اوى و مكسوفه شويه
حسيت انى متخدره
كنت مبسوطه اوى
كنت مستنيه اللحظه دى من زمان

نفسى فى ايه؟

بحب اوى لما بيسألنى نفسك فى ايه؟
نفسى فى ايه؟
نفسى يرجع
تفسى يضمنى لصدره
نفسى يفضل يحبنى على طول
نفسى احس بأيده عليا
نفسى يفضل جنبى على طول
نفسى يحس بالبيبى و هو بيتحرك جويا
نفسى يكون معايا ساعه الولاده
نفسى ....نفسى.....نفسى........
نفسى فى حاجات كتيره.....
طماعه!........ايوة
بحب اوى لما يسألنى نفسك فى ايه؟

بحبه و بيحبنى و لا........

ساعات كتيره بحس انه ما بيحبنيش.......
بحس ان كل اللى بيعمله معايا ده علشان هى دى طبيعته او علشان انا مراته و خلاص مش اكتر
انه واجب عليه انه يعمل كده
مابيحسسنيش انى مميزه ...
انى مختلفه.....
ان انا غير كل البنات و الستات اللى عرفهم قبل كده.
انا زى اى واحده,
و لو كان اتجوز واحده تانيه كان هيعملها نفس المعامله....
هى دى طبيعته....
لما كان موجود كان بيقول ليه انه بيحبنى.......
صحيح انا عمرى ما سألته كنت خايفه يقولى لا و لو حتى بهزار
بس دلوقت بيقولى انه ماحسش انه بيحبنى غير لما سافر!
امال ايه الكلام اللى كان بيقوله ده !
يعنى كان بيضحك عليا !
بيسكتنى بكلمتين !
بيعمل اللى عليه!
ازاى اصدقه بعد كده........
لما يجى و يقولى بحبك اعرف منين انه مابيضحكش عليا..........
المشكله انى بحبه اوى و لما اقوله كده يقولى مش مصدقك!
و لما قولتله انى بتضايق من الكلام ده يقولى انا كنت بهزر و انتى عقلك صغير و تفكريك محدود.
ساعات بحس انه فعلا بيحبنى حتى و لو كان هو مش عارف ده بس ساعات بحسه
مش عارفه بيحبنى على ايه؟
بس المهم عندى انه حتى بعد ده كله انا برضه لسه بحبه!

my wedding day

my wedding day !
it is one of my worst memories.
first, of all i was in rush that morning i didn't know what to get for a ride to get to the hairstylist.
second, i was so worried that i was hardly speaking,
my relative had to go and she was too late and i hadn't any one to speak with.
third, i am not beautiful i know that so i was afraid that the makeup artiest make it worse,
for my luck she didn't, i was waiting for him to see me and make any comment.....
but he didn't say anything about me or even my dress .
forth, i don't like weddings any way so nothing to remember there except that i was so happy that three of my friends i didn't expect them to show up, came to the wedding they made good comments about me ,my makeup and my dress i was so happy that they show up.
fifth, he didn't spake to me all the way,
not a single word.
sixth, i noticed that he was wearing some sort of a button in shape of the first letter of my name
but i knew that it wasn't him who bought it and he lost it during the wedding.
seventh, i discovered that i lost my earrings, i loved them very much, i was so sad i lost them.
eighth, after that he told me what people said about him and about his sister.........
but not a single word about me.
my wedding day ! is my worst memory.

اصعب احساس

اصعب احساس ممكن احسه هوه الاحساس بالرفض
او الاحساس بأنى مهمشه موجوده او مش موجوده مش بتفرق
مع انه بيتصل بيا و بيكلمنى على طول الا ان الاحساس ده ساعات بيجينى
مش عارفه المشكله عند مين
بس لما نكون بنتكلم و الكلام ياخدنا لنقطه يقولى فيها....
الى تعمل كده تطلق!
الى تقول كده جوزها يسيبها!
لو عملتى كده يبقى كل واحد من طريق!
لو قلتى كده يبقى كل واحد يروح لحاله!
انا لو زعلت منك ممكن اقعد سنتين مكلمكيش!
بغض النظر اذا كان الموضوع يستاهل و لا لأ
بغض النظر ده هيحصل و لا لأ
انا محبش اسمع الكلام ده
فى حاجات بديهيه انه فعلا ده موقف مينفعش معاه غير الانفصال
بس برضه انا محبش اسمع الكلام ده
بحس من خلاله ان انا ماليش لازمه و عامله زى القلم لو جه مره وكتب غلط نرميه
بحس انى شىء تافه لو باظ و ايه يعنى ممكن نستغنى عنه مفيش مشكله فى غيره كتير
مع انه ساعات بيحسسنى ان وجودى فارق معاه
بس الكلام ده بيضايقنى و بيفضل مأثر عليا فتره
جايز اكون بنسى بعدها بس الكلام يرجع يتكرر
و ارجع افتكر تانى الكلام اللى اتقال قبل كده كله

يوم حلو

يعنى ايه يوم حلو ؟
ازاى اعرف انه ده يوم حلو؟
على النتدى اقرى الواحده تشتكى من حد تقول مشفتش منه يوم حلو.....
معقوله....
مهما كان الأنسان ده وحش معقوله ماشافتش يوم حلو.....
قعدت افكر انا يا ترى شفت يوم حلو؟!!!!
الحاجات الى انا فاكراها قبل تالته مش كتير او بمعنى اصح انا مش عايزه افتكرها
فى الفتره دى حصلت حاجه مش عايزه افتكرها و لا اقدر اتكلم عنها لغايه دلوقت و مابحاولش افتكر قبلها اى حاجه
يبقى ما فيش غير اخر سنه فى الثانوى و الكليه و المعهد و مابعد كده و دول مش قليلين يعنى ممكن يكونوا 8 او 7 سنين
احاول افتكر يوم فرحت فيه اوى.................
يوم حلو...........
و لقتنى بسأل نفسى يعنى ايه يوم حلو؟؟؟
و بعدين اكتشفت حاجه ان الواحد لما بيحب يفتكر حاجه وحشه او حاجه تضايقه
يووووووووووووووووه ............هيلاقى بلاوى
يعنى ايه يوم حلو؟؟؟
لما حاولت افتكر يوم حلو مع جوزى لقيت مش فاكره حاجه
كل اللى افتكره حاجات ضايقتنى فيه
طبعا انا مش غبيه علشان ادرك ان العيب فيا انا
بس برضه ما هو ممكن يكون كان فى يوم حلو بس انا مش عارفه و مش حساه
يعنى ايه يوم حلو؟؟؟
انا قررت طالما انا مش فاكره هسأله:ياترى شوفت معايا يوم تقدر تقول عليه حلو؟
بس طبعا لما ييجى(الصبر)
بس المصيبه انه يسألنى : يعنى ايه يوم حلو؟ يا لهوى!!!
بس برضه....
يعنى ايه يوم حلو؟!!!!!!

wedding picture

one of my friends was visiting me i told here i will show you the my wedding photos
when she saw them she told me he looks so good
and look at you you look so evil
i looked to the photos and i saw it
she was right he looks good but me .....
evil....evil.....evil
all the photos ........evil
when we were engaged i told him i am not good(tiabah)
i am not an angle
i tend to argue and not to listen
he did not believe me he said no one tell that about herself
but i do because i know
when we married i tried to be good but i can't help it
he so good
i don't deserve him

dreaming

he was sleepy i guss ,dreaming may be but he was talking
he was calling someone
i listened ,and i wish i hadn't
he was calling name of other women
it was a shock to me in the frist time but it repeated
i can't talk about
i will look stupid and paranoiac
because it is his sisters names
even with that it is so hard why he is calling them ?
why he doesn't call my name?
what if he know women with the same name?
what if he is just doing this to see what i am going to do ?
one thing i know if this ever happen again i will explode in his face

frist time to reliefe

this is a problem i have long ago but i haven't talked about it to any one , i have a lot of problems i have never talked about it but let's just take it one at time.
and as a start here is my first problem
i haven't learn or get to ask people to do things for me ,when i was still not married i had troubles asking for any thing from my father especially money , when i get married it seems that i have the same problem with my husband but much more difficult .
it is a very strange feeling that there is a new man in my life , a man who is responsible for me .i mean i am old enough to take care of my self but unfortunately i have no income.
the very only reason i want to get a job is that i want to have my own income , i don't feel comfortable to ask for money to get stuff for me .
i think i am little shy or as i mentioned earlier i am not used to it or and this is the real reason i think that i am afraid that he might consider me too much needy.
one of the thing that make me don't feel comfortable with it that i have to explain why i want the money and after spending it i have to tell him what i have bought .
i don't like it because i can't stand that he might criticize the thing i get .
i hate when someone criticize me for my taste in cloth or how much i eat or how i eat ,that heart me the most .
i don't know why i feel so much heart for that and it takes me so long to recover but i never forget.
i hate most of the food kind for that and cooking is a nightmare for me .
are my children going to inherent this from me? i hope not